dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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