my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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