Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
