Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
