Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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