I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
