Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
