Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
