this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
