I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
