Your face is a jimmy john
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize