If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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