After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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