My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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