i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
