pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
