We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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