Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
either way he was missing a nipple.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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