I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
