Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize