I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
