as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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