I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Randomize