Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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