Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
