If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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