Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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