you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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