I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize