Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Randomize