go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
