Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
