I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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