What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
