Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm always down for nudity.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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