i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
