She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
