I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
