I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
