his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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