College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
