So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
