Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
