all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
