he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
