I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
