Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Drunk is not a location!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
