Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
