I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
