Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
