I only kidnapped one of them. chill
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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