Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
barbara walters just said penis...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
