I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
