Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
