you have to choose: penises or morals?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Every concussion has its silver lining
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
