The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
