how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Found the puke drawer
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You ruined the universe
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
