Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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