that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
