I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
