OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
