what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
