I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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