Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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