I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
