yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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