we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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